Riding Out the Hurricane

We came sooooo close to getting slammed by a hurricane here in Maine. Ultimately we were denied. Horribly, utterly, terribly, wickedly denied. Mother Nature is a bitch. If Hurricane Bill were a razor and Maine were a scruffy beard then it would have taken off the tip of a single hair. We brushed disaster by the shoulders and kept walking.
That's not what I wanted though! I wanted to get WRECKED by this whirlybird of a whorestorm. I wanted to wake up the next morning and it burned when I peed. That's how bad I wanted this storm to abuse us. It didn't even rain! The hurricane leisurely strolled past us and didn't drop any of it's blessed, magical rain upon my motherFUCKING HEAD! I sat there for two days twiddling my thumbs and staring out the window like a dimwit saying to myself "Dur, iz gun rains. Ah'ma gunna keep awn waitin' fer it". Straight up quote. That was said. That happened. You weren't there you DON'T KNOW MAN!
The only repercussion was the ocean sweeping away some idiots that were standing on the rocks gawking at the 15 foot waves collapsing over their heads. Of course these so called 'thrillseekers' sit there with there vacant looks as close as is damn well possible to the edge of the water and take pictures. "Hey maw, look at me! Ah'm Aquaman!" And just like Aquaman they're off into the ocean to talk to the fish. Or drown. Whichever way it goes. Bring your kids! It's almost a guarantee that you'll win parent of the year. Or watch your child become a bloated corpse. I'm not the smart one I can't figure that one out, maybe you can genius.
The damn heat didn't even let up. I was praying to Odin, Thor, Shiva, and Moses that the hurricane would at least banish this heat to the nether regions (Canada) but I may as well have been asking for diamond encrusted toenail polish because those DBs didn't deliver! So I get to enjoy many more days of leaving my perspiration in little pools all over the cement floor at work. Luckily it's covered in cat litter we used to dry up all the oil... I WANTED A FUCKING HURRICANE TO END MISERY! Also to bring it to others. Just so long as it wasn't mine it's all good.
When Hurricane Bill finally settles down in a cozy cottage in the hills of Scotland with a nice plump wife and a red headed monster of a child I'll track you down and pummel you with a sack full of quarters.