Yesterday's Time Killer

The other day Ashes and I went to a laboratory and was forced to participate in a taste test. This is that story.

What started as a lovely stroll through the campus to an old farmhouse to purchase some tomato plants quickly went south. After purchasing our plant from a young flower child holdover from the 1970s we started back to our car. A simple poster caught our eye advertising some free snacks and it being midday we were a bit peckish. We decided to take advantage of the opportunity. When we got to the building and made our way inside there was quick change in atmosphere. The entryway was a standard lobby setup but the signs started pointing us in an ominous direction. Pipes and exposed brick were surrounding us on all sides. Signs warning of radiation danger and hazardous materials. Out of the corner of my eye I sensed movement in the dimming light. Inside the rooms we were passing I could see eyes peering at us through the dark. Hastening our pace we continued deeper and deeper into this complex. Down several dank stairwells and into a hallway that could only be described as looking like a repurposed asylum we finally got to the site of the supposed free snacks.

I was bundled into a room by a shifty looking dwarf and put into a little box with a computer screen and a sliding food door. You know the food door, common in medieval prisons, in which the burly jailer would push scraps through the door and make a dozen malnourished inmates scramble for their daily nourishment. I sat there under dark eyes and brooding figures of what could only be called mad scientists wearing lab coats with dark red stains. The little food door slammed open with a loud bang and a dirty plate was shoved in front of me. On this cracked ceramic plate were several samples of some indistinguishable goo. The computer screen zapped to life displaying only green letters on a black background. "Eat sample TX01, now" it prompted me. I felt uncertain about it and hesitated. A new message flashed on the screen. "Eat sample TX01 or suffer a shock." Not wishing to find out which meaning of the word was implied I picked up TX01. It was a pasty white goo splattered on a shred of stale bred.

With a bit of apprehension I ate the first sample. The taste of it immediately exploded, overcoming my senses. The taste was horrible, like rotten fish dipped in napalm. My sinuses burned. The texture was oily and after chewing twice I swallowed. TX01 clung to my throat and slowly slimed it's way down. Feeling sick I almost vomited at this point but managed to just barely keep it down, though I suspect that it would cling to my insides and resist coming back up. I could sense a buzz from behind me as the lab coats talked in hushed tones amongst themselves. My head was spinning.

The computer screen flashed to life again with the words "Eat Sample TX02, now," written in front of me. I was feeling very uneasy but I didn't want to push my luck. TX02 was a thick whitish-blue substance with a consistency that looked like whipped cream. As I went to pick it up I noticed my hand was shaking much more than usual. Ignoring, like so much else at the time, the shaking I picked up TX02 and quickly put it into my mouth. There wasn't so much a flavor blast as the first sample but when I took the first bite it was like getting punched in the face. I spit it onto the desk in front of me and hoped tasting it would be enough. My jaw was stinging. More hushed talking behind me. The computer flashed a new message, "Please finish sample TX02." My spirits crushed I grabbed the sample and tried to eat it again. The same violent sensation flared inside my mouth. I swallowed it as quickly as possible. I was feeling sick to my stomach and extremely dizzy. I knew the third and final sample still had to be eaten.

"Eat Sample TX03, now." The room was spinning and I almost fell out of my chair, but a pair of clammy hands grabbed my arms to steady me. I weakly turned to look one of the lab coats in the face. His eyes... I'll never forget those eyes alive with madness, dancing and unable to look at me for more than a second. I turned back to the desk. The third sample was a pink paste spread thickly on the same crusty bread as the others. Not knowing what would happen if I didn't eat I did as the computer told me. As I bit down on it I had the sensation of breathing in smoke directly from a hookers mouth. I was wracked by a fit of coughing as I wasn't accustomed to the taste of smoke. Luckily, I suppose, I kept the sample in my mouth and swallowed it after only the second bite. My eyes started to water. I could feel my entire throat burning like I had been breathing volcanic ash for an hour. My vision was clouded with tears and I couldn't read the new message that came onto the computer screen. I started coughing much harder. My dizziness finally won over and nothing could stop me from falling out of my chair this time. Hushed voices and the feeling of being huddled over and colors running together and then nothing.

I woke up in a bright room sitting upright in a comfortable chair. The only thing I could taste was spit. Thankfully there wasn't an aftertaste. I realized somebody was saying something to me over and over. I shook my head and looked the woman in the eyes, "What?" There was something in her hand. A basket filled with candy and granola bars. "Which free snack would you like?" I reached in and pulled out a granola bar. She went back to the desk that was situated by the only door in the room. "Thank you for your participation and have a nice day." I slowly nodded in her direction and gave a small smile. I walked out that door faster than I'd ever done anything in my life. Outside the room I saw Ashes. She just smiled at me, happily grabbed my hand and started walking back to our car.

It was one of the most horrifying experiences of my life.

But, hey, I got a free fucking granola bar out of this!