Surviving the Apocalypses... Apocalyii?

At this point I think you should know that I'm a survivor of many different end of the world scenarios. Whether it is a comet threatening to wipe out all life on the planet, a dinosaur rampage, the classic zombies going crazy in the streets, or the copper monsters I've survived it all. What can I say, I'm a scrapper. That and I've been told that you won't remember the ends of the world in which you die. So I guess maybe that plays a part as well, only remembering your successes.

You may be saying to yourself "I don't remember the world ending", well there's a good reason for that. You're not a survivor! You never made it to the end. If you had you'd know exactly what I'm talking about. If you make it to the end, if you're there when the world resets itself then you'd be right on the trolley with me right now. I've seen governments fall, fascist states rise from the ashes of good intentions, and egomaniac scientists bring us all doom. Half-gorilla, half-demon monsters ring a bell? No? Then they killed you.

So how did I do it you might ask me. What are my secrets. Well it's really just instinct, but I'll try and clue you in on some key points. A few helpful hints so that next time around you might be one of the few. Maybe we'll get together and chat about the time Argentina sunk into the ocean, or when the floating city of New Constantinople rained ion bombs on humanity. Or perhaps we'll sit on the edge of the void sipping smoothies under the rows of cherry trees as the rest of the world disappears piece by piece. Yeah, that was a fun day.

Down to business. Tip one, don't let other people influence your emotions. This one is critical. People are prone to hysteria when dealing with world threatening situations like these. It's that fight or flight instinct that screams "Panic! Leave!" in their heads. You need to get beyond that and read the situation, which can't be done if you're letting others control you. Don't be dragged into thinking that the situation only has black and white choices. Think the situation out, but think on your feet. You might hear, "Fight or you're a pussy," but letting that juvenile shit get in your head is just wrong. Analyze the situation and push the influence of other individuals out of your head. Be the leader.

Second, use your resources. You won't always have what you need at hand, but most of what you have at hand can be put to use. Improvise. Be alert. Adapt to the situation. Take a quick note of your surroundings and try to put a quick plan together. Unfamiliar places may unbalance you, but go with your instinct on the tough decisions. Running from Werewolves, split hallway up ahead, what do you do? Go with your gut and use your surroundings. Get where you can utilize something to aid your fight. I can't emphasize enough the need to use whatever you can even if it seems to be junk. It's difficult to learn these sort of innate skills, but I encourage you to try. Brain teasers help critical thinking. Solve problems the "long way" around. Don't take the easy route. Small changes like that may help you down the road.

Educate yourself. At any time a seemingly useless piece of information could become the key to saving your life. While knowledge of the family of French Emperor Napoleon might seem insignificant in the grand scheme of things, it came in handy when the world was invaded by an army of skeleton Frenchmen led by a robotic SuperNapoleon. I managed to convincingly pose as his father Carlo and escape his death squads into the resistance camps. Learning the moral weaknesses of Copper Robots allowed me to defeat them time and time again by leading carrying pictures of elderly Asian women (Copper Robots are noted rapists, with an emphasis on elderly Asians). So get in the know, people, it will only work to your advantage in the future. Expand your horizons. It might seem boring, lame, or wasteful but knowledge is very much power.

I've got to go now. I think I hear something outside my window. Good luck folks.